Key Players: Character Synopsis

Just a little FYI, I will be posting a lot of different things throughout the day/week. I have diagnosed myself with PADD (Pregnancy Attention Deficit Disorder).  I can not focus on one thing...so, I am not skitzo, just knocked up...


I wanted to give everyone (am I just flattering myself here? OK- both of you) a run down of the key players in my life and the people that crack me up.  These people will probably be mentioned in the blog, so you might as well get a little background.  Here they are in no particular order (deep breath, there are lots):

• Jon- aka monk, monkey, babe, jonny, platt. 
• my husband, soul mate, and primary provider. He is very kind, usually generous, and is madly in love with me and the eggplant in my stomach, our baby Sloane.  He loves Texas Tech, golfing, fishing, Market Street, koozies, Brooks Brothers suits, "liking" things on fb, Ferragamo ties, anything free, ironed jeans and pajama pants, ice cream, Ryan Kosarek, and saving money.  He hates UT (although he says in hell they are constantly singing "Boomer Sooner"), people who talk about money or things they have, "one uppers", and spending money (something I love to do...herein lies our number one argument).
• Sherry- aka mom.
• my old lady.  We look very similar and act very similar as well (hard to admit).  We dress the same and usually (accidentally) buy the same things. She annoys the sh*t out of me, but I love her....who wouldn't?  She made me. She says things like "shoot a monkey", "ratters", "home with the armadillos", "are you effing me", and "home sweat home".  She loves bagels, soft pretzels and wedding cake/cupcakes.  She and my dad are grossly in love, like they make out in front of house guests.  Some of the things she usually wants people to know about her/tells people freely are...she is a wedding planner (the proposal), a cheerleader in hs, dated my dad in hs, was football sweetheart in hs.  Can you tell she was "cool" in hs??
• Danny- aka pop, dad.
• daddy! The sweetest man I know, and my secondary provider. He is a big guy, with very white hair.  He often gets confused with Bobby Knight (which totally annoys me bc my dad is 51 and BK is like 75) and Mike Sciocia (look him up ladies). He does any and all things for my mom.  He always gets hit on when standing in line at anthropologie and it makes Sherry nutty.  He loves shooting squirrels in the backyard, packing the car (like tetris) and fixing things with "velcrove". He knows how to fix anything and can give me directions to anywhere...except all malls and Targets, that's moms jurisdiction. 
• Luke & Jake- aka bros
• Luke is my middle brother (doppleganger = Andrew Firestone). He is the family comedian and is constantly making fun of my mom.  He loves Baylor, and is one of my life lines if I were to be on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He knows 100% of things you didn't know (or need to).  He can quote any movie and tell you who is singing any song (he is the shazaam app).  He also wrote a paper in college (at Baylor) about how the Simpsons is a show based around christian values...you would be surprised how accurate this paper is.  He also peed in my closet while visiting me in college. He is engaged to a preppy, preshy Pi Phi named Leah. She is really smart and loves Tory Burch even more than me.  She is in law school at Texas....we like to marry attorneys, what can I say?
• Jake is my youngest brother and my parents favorite. (doppleganger = Dr. McDreamy & JFK Jr...weird for me to say, but very true). He is super athletic and very fashion forward (as is my entire family--both mine and jons sides thanks).  He is the "sweet one" with the "best hair" and also the favorite grandchild (so rude).  His middle name is Smith and used to tell everyone his brother was Emmitt Smith.  He also loves the ladies and has flirted with my friends since he was 4.  He is currently dating his hs sweetheart Melanie (a blond bombshell Kappa with a perf bod). Gag. He recently shot our 65 year old female (retired principal) neighbor with a BB gun...it was an accident, apparently he missed a squirrel.  They didn't come over right away because they thought it might have been terrorists.  This is a true story.
• Haley & Abby- my sweet/bitchy cousins...I have lots of cousins, but these just happen to live next door to my parents.
• Haley is a TTU Kappa and my prodigy.  Her personality twin is Kristin Wiig and her doppleganger is "LC meets Cindy Lou Who".  She is a total bimbo but we love her because of it.  She is a true blond, but still requires monthly highlights.  She loves mashed potatoes and rolls with ranch.  She has a black girls ass and an asian girls chest (they are flat right?).  I am confident she is a carrier of the Lanier Family Amex. Oh--and her bf has never been to KFC...they were still dating at time of post.
• Abby, my sweet little abby (personality twin- Emily (see below). She is being raised by my aunt (Cindy-Sherrys sister) to be a "PiPhi Lady", but I am certain she will be a kappa.  She is our over achiever...Varsity soccer, Cheer, Ramblers, and all honors.  She is constantly "stressed out" and is always at my parents house filling pop in on the latest BHS gossip.  She and her bf recently broke up, which is ok because he had bangs.  She used to have an office in the closet under the stairs, loves books and animals...her PLL character would totally be Spencer (if you don't watch Pretty Little Liars you should be ashamed).
• The Watsons- aka Kara & John
• Kara is monk's younger sister and her husband.  She is Betty Crocker, no really.  She bakes. A lot.  She and John recently moved to Lubbock because John is in medical school at Tech.  John is a crazy smart (undergrad at Harvard, shut up!) outdoorsy type who is totally in love with Kara.  They have an adorable house and 2 sweet pups.  Kara has a hot bod and perfect hair.  We share a hair lady (shout out to Chastity at Osgood) who tells me she hopes Sloane has Kara's hair...thanks a lot, I thought that was one of my greatest attributes.  Anyway, Kara was the coolest/most fun bachelorette I have ever seen at her bach party, which was in NOLA.  I will say, my MIL Kathy was also the coolest/most fun MIL at Kara's bach party..she said "I never knew Kara was so much like me!" as Kara proceeded to dance like a total hooker on stage at Cat's Meow.  It was one of my most favorite life moments.
• The Silverthorns- aka Lisa, Scott, Stella, Graham and Bryn
• Lisa is Jon's older sister, Scott is her hub and the rest are all babes!  Lisa is the easiest person to talk to...seriously she can take on a convo with anyone. Her doppleganger is Rebecca Bilson, no doubt, and her style is 100% anthro.  Her spitfire personality has been passed on completely to my preshy niece Stella.  Stella (4) gets what she wants, when she wants.  She will always be this way and I love it...and, she has blond hair and blue eyes, heart.breaker.  Graham (1-1/2) is the sweetest little squish.  He has the chillest personality and was the easiest babysitting experience of my life.  Bryn is Sloane's best friend.  She will be born in October.  I.CANT.WAIT.
• Jenn- aka Jenni, "Jenifa Freeedmon"
• Jenn is one of my closest friends.  (No, she literally lives 60 seconds away). She is our "jewish realtor". She is the one you have return things when you are too embarrassed.  She will send back under/over cooked food with no abandon.  She will strive to get you the best deal possible on anything, and protect you from ever getting "ripped off".  She is the strongest woman I know. She is the group chef, always creating savory dishes...usually of things I can't pronounce.  She owned BeBe's entire clothing line from 2000-2006.  She loves anything blue, apple martinis, sports (she is super competitive) and Jon Ackerman (her extremely blond, not albino, bike riding, room clearing, sigmachi, accountant husband).  She hates getting old, and when she drinks she is "gin". Oh-- and she is Jon Platt's "one phone call" from jail....probably because she would remain calm and not tell me about it.
• Emily- aka Em, Wemmy
• Emily is our South Plains Princess.  Her tahoe was the taxi in college.  She has a yellow lab named Cooper, who is gay.  He came out of the closet almost immediately after she got him, we were all really supportive of his decision.  She really doesn't appear to be ethnic in person but all of her dopplegangers are just that, ethnic (Kat Graham, Angela Simmons & Ali Landry).  She is a very compassionate person and is always there for you when you need her.  She shares with me, a love for Lubbock & ranch dressing.  She has the skinniest legs I have ever seen, an extremely dangerous addiction to taco bell, really great hair and is a lesbian according to the staff at Coal Vines and Oishii.
• Tara- aka T.Wat
• She is the pretty one who married a MMA fighter. No, really. She is also the intimidating one, always wearing the stank face.  She is a really smart ditz who is really good at sticking up for you.  One of her famous come backs during a bar squabble "You're UGLY." So simple, yet very effective.  She is my workout partner, who is a notorious de-motivator.  She has a great fashion sense and a preshy house. She has some scraggly animals that she says she loves dearly....although when she moved in to her house her cat went missing for 24 hours.  She found him the next morning in a bathroom drawer (that is the ditzy thing I was talking about). She is just like her mom (Dodi) and hates to admit it. We love her for it...
• Kayla- aka KK
• My college roommate and sister in the bond. She loves fast food (is Jack in the Box's #1 repeat customer).  Wears extremely tiny soffe shorts in the privacy of her own home.  Loves to dip wavy lays in stuffed spuds and chase with a cold pepsi.  She is a true friend to the end.  She has a yorkie named Lenny who can be a bit of a trouble maker.  She has dance moves to rival that of Michael Jackson, and was Texas Tech's pom squads hottest member.  We have had alot of problems arise in bar bathrooms together (more on that later)...oh, and she teaches small children for a living.   
• Celia- aka Cecil, Seal
• My other college roommate and sister in the bond. She was once engaged to her Spanish lover.  Only Celia will meet the 1 Spanish foreign exchange student at Tech and start a very successful love affair.  Her doppleganger is Eva Longoria, but she is probably tinier than Eva.  She knows everyone and everyone knows her.  She liked Betas and also had many admirers in college (right Sheelya?).  She dated a guy who would walk around our house topless for no reason.  (He was gorg, KK and I didn't mind).  She is a very successful speech pathologist.  Funny tid bit--One time she was studying late at the library...unbeknownst to us, we thought she had company...anyway, her TV was left on channel 9.  Kayla and I had to barge in after an hour of hearing the noises coming from her room...its OK, it was just the TV (channel 9 turns in to soft porn at 10pm).
• Boo- aka boozle, BaileyBoo
• The sarcastic one.  She lives with Whitney (below) in the Tuscany where the started a sorority. She loves working out and red wine. She is an avid spray tanner and a loyal urban shopper.  Her mom's name is Mignon and her dad's name is Phil (not really)...figure it out.  She is super fun to travel with and always contributing witty antics.  She has a crush on a rando Neil Diamond band singer.  She loves deals and once returned a $9 already worn top to XXI. Dirty.
• Whitney- aka Kahn Artist
• The tannest of all of our friends.  Her doppleganger is Pocahontas, except she has the clearest blue eyes ever and isn't at all Native American. Oops, I already messed up...OK, THIS IS MUCH BETTER. SHE LIKES TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS. SHE LOVES TO CLEAN, DANCE, TAKE PICS, TO BRUSH HER HAIR, TEEN MOVIES & HER SCOTTIE NAMED OLIVER. SHE BLEEDS PINOT GRIGIO (just like Ramona) AND LOVES CHEESE. SHE COMMONLY USES ABBREVIATIONS.
• Diaz- aka just diaz.
• The OCD one. I'm talking, total germaphobe (only when sober).  She is a 300lb person living in a 90lb body, an avid runner, a lover of cake balls and a very cheesy vegetarian.  She somehow tamed her now husband "Hutch".  She doesn't dry her hair or wear makeup to work.  She has the body of a VS model (-8 inches in height). She talks really fast, buys expensive makeup that she doesn't know how to use and cooks really great baked ziti.
• Ryan- aka kosarek
• Ryan is Jon's best friend. They love each other. Its really crazy.  Jon would rather be trapped on a deserted island with Ryan than me.  Ryan loves very few restaurants and only dines at these very few restaurants...Chipotle for lunch during the week, Patrizio's for dinner on Fri or Sat night, and Amigo's on Sunday's (for brunch and dinner bc they are there all day).  He drives a range rover but isn't "that guy".  He somehow scored a job where he travels and "entertains clients" while golfing.  His hair grows when he drinks.  Like, I'm talking inches in height.  Ryan is about to marry sweet Lindsay (aka Linda/Li-Li), who lays out topless and teaches small children (but not at the same time).  She also speaks in a Jersey accent when she is drinking.  She prefers hot dogs to steaks (me too) and loves champagne.  We like giggling together...well Ryan giggles and we all laugh.

I will introduce more characters as they are "blogged" about....I'm sure you can't wait.