Say NO to sweatpants. They are not your friend.

Jon and I went on a walk last night.  I have decided (as of today) that I am going to walk every day until this little squish comes out.  Partially because I got new tennis shoes (my old ones were too tight--insert sad face--) and partially because I want Sloane to have good legs.  I think if I sleep when she is tired and I eat when she is hungry that it must work the same way with working out??  Like, if I am being active she is staying in shape?  Whatever.  I am going with it. 

So anyway, we were walking last night.  Actually, Jon runs his two miles then he comes back and gets me and Kelley Kapowski.  This is our system because if Jon skips his run and just walks he bitches the whole time..."well I guess I am not getting in my cardio today" or "No dessert for me"...you can only imagine my enthusiastic responses to this anorexic nonsense.  Didn't he watch DJ Tanner on that episode of Full House where she stops eating and passes out on the StairMaster?  That particular show made a huge impact on me, along with the SBTB Johnny Dakota "No Hope with Dope" episode.  No drugs for me, and no working out. 

We have to get in the walk before dark.  We made the mistake of going at sunset one night.  We came up on a opossum crossing the street.  I think Jon planted it there because I hauled ass home, like full sprint.  Hilarious. For him.  We can't chance this anymore, I am 7 months pregnant.  Not.Cool.

We had just started off when we saw some neighbors outside with their kids.  They were like mid thirties.  The dad was in work clothes, the kids looked a little rag-a-muffin ish, and the wife had on jeans and black shirt with semi-normal shoes (we live in Lake Highlands, they were semi-normal).  Jon said "Finally a mom who is dressed, all the other ladies I have seen outside are wearing sweatpants and look like they have not yet gotten dressed for the day".  What?!  This totally appalls me.  If you are a stay at home mom, the least you can do is get dressed.  Throw on your Old Navy skinny jeans, a V-neck, and some makeup....a little gold jewelry will work wonders too.

I have heard and read the horror stories, and the why would I put on my nice clothes when they are just going to be thrown up on, blah blah blah. That is absurd.  You wear your "cute" clothes to a bar right?  You have just as much of a chance of some drunk dude spewing on you there.  When your husband comes home from work (mind you, he has just left an office where women are present, dressed professionally, and wearing makeup) you should not look like a hag or he will divorce you.  If he leaves and you are looking toe up he might not ever come back.  If he comes home and you are looking this way, he will probably turn around and walk back out the door.  Don't get me wrong, Jon loves me even when I do look terrible, but it doesn't hurt to remind him why he married me....my dashing good looks and bomb ass personality.  If he comes home and I have had a bad day, and therefore look like it, I just crack jokes left and right.  I figure if he is laughing, he ain't leaving....OR I make him a cocktail....if he is drunk, it doesn't matter anyway.  Just some advice.  Take it or leave it. Or, should I say, take it or he will leave it.

Funny enough, after our discussion last night about how some moms just "let themselves go".  I got an email from Tara this morning, subject "This list is retarded".  She sent me this link...

http://shopping.yahoo.com/articles/yshoppingarticles/688/10-things-new-parents-dont-need/

And her email read..."this was def written by a sweat pant wearing mom".  Check out this list and see below for my rebuttal...

First of all the opening paragraph.  She had to throw in there that she is "an experienced mom".  Congrats lady.  You got knocked up three different times.  Let's move on...

1. A designer nursery.

• I despise the way people throw around the word "designer".  People think, just because it is a name brand it is more expensive.  Ignorance is fugly.  The crib we got from Pottery Barn was actually cheaper than several at Target.  She is right, the baby will not care if the lamp, curtains and rug coordinate (Sloane probably will), but I do!  If I am going to spend every waking hour in the nursery, feeding and playing with this prodigy, you better believe it is going to look good.  Yes, the baby is the most important, but visitors will notice your nursery and they will talk about you when they leave.  Picture Britney Spears performing in a Walmart bathroom.  She is the most important part, but she is still in a Walmart bathroom.  I conclude.

2. Bedding.

• In my opinion, this is like have a bathroom with no toilet paper.  This child did not ask to stay at your hotel, you must greet them with respect.  If you walked in to a Hilton and there was only a flat sheet on the bed would you care?  Well, I wouldn't, less for me to touch, but most people would freak.  The same goes for the baby.  Sloane is checking in to an effing One and Only.  Google it.  Amaze balls.

3. A changing table.

• I actually toyed with the idea of no changing table.  I think they are unattractive and kind of gross.  But, you need a place to hold all of your diaper supplies and such...why not have a chest designated to that?  I don't think you need to buy something that is called a "changing table" but I do think you should designate a piece of furniture for it.  Ours just happens to be mirrored and fabulous.  She says "this can run $150 and up".  That is a pair of jeans, chill out. 

4. Bassinet.

• We are using a hand me down for this, so I have no comment.  All I ask is that you please not tell Sloane she is getting a used item.  I can only imagine her reaction.  Thanks.

5. Expensive Newborn Clothing.

• She doesn't have much to say about this one except for that they will grow out of them quickly.  I agree, but I don't care.  They are only little once.  I have no willpower when it comes to buying shrunken seven jeans and baby toms.  Sorry Jon, we are headed to the poor house. (Better than the crazy house?)

6. Video Monitor.

• The only reason I want one of these is because I heard you can sometimes see your neighbors.  Creepy? Yes. Entertaining? Definitely.  I can't tell you how many nights Jon and I want to rent a movie On Demand and there is nothing to watch!  Sometimes we scroll through the porn and laugh at the names, but that lasts like 15 minutes.  This would give us free entertainment.  Just saying.

7. A High Chair.

• Fogettaboutit. I am getting the Bloom Fresco high chair in white.  Even if Sloane can't use it for a while, it will look fresh and fab waiting in my kitchen.--This is the same high chair Cyndy uses on RHONY. 

8. A Wipe Warmer.

• I actually agree with the bitch on this one.  Their asses are like teeny.  I am not warming something to wipe it.  I think it would probably end up in our bathroom anyway.  Jon would love it.  Ew.

9. A lot of anything.

• Yea, Yea, Yea.  Let me figure this one out on my own.  I honestly think she ran out of "things you don't need" and threw this one on there.  Whatever.

10. Diaper Genie.

• Our reasoning on this one is different. She says a regular trash can will work.  I think she is wrong, but I think the Diaper Genie is absolutely disgusting.  It essentially creates a shit sausage chain.  Who.Would.Want.That?  I did register for something that I might use for this that claims to be "odor blocking" but most shit laden diapers will go outside in the dumpster.  We use the "if it's brown, flush it down" motto at our house, not "if it smells like ass, place it in the trash".  Thank you and goodnight.

Moral: Just say no to sweatpants.  They make you ugly and bitter.  Seriously, you would be better off trying drugs for the first time.