Lamaze for real.

So every time I go to the doctor she asks me if I have signed up for child birthing class yet. Um yea OK.  I always say, "Ha ha, yes, my husband is doing some research on that".  I lie. We hadn't even thought about it...honestly I was hoping we wouldn't have to go. 

Well I was at the doctor a few weeks ago (I am about to have to go every two weeks, WTF?) and she asked again, and I lied again. I said that we were "all signed up!".  So last night we actually did.  I feel like such a dumb ass because there really isn't any "research" that goes in to it.  My doctor totally knew I was full of shit.  There is a class list online, and boy does it excite me...here were my options and my thoughts....

• Lamaze: Preparation for Childbirth- 12 hour course
• Yippee. This class covers labor and birth, pain minimizing skills, techniques and relaxation.  I can only imagine how relaxing this child birth thing is going to be.  A 7 lb gooey human is going to be ripped from your loins.  Attractive, and exciting.  Can't wait for Jon to see this.
• Lamaze: Natural Childbirth- 12 hour course
• Are you fracking kidding me?  They "recommend" taking this class even if you don't plan on delivering naturally, just in case you are too far into labor that you can't receive an epidural....Ummm, say what?  There is no.way.in.hell. I am letting this happen.  Stick me with the needle or you are all going down bitches.  I will pack my hospital bag (LV Keepall 55, mom? cool?) with plenty of alka seltzer, not to drink but to pop in case I need to stage a "foaming at the mouth" situation (ever seen Little Giants?).  Oh, and poor, poor Jonny.  I already know what his face would look like...it would be the same "oh shit" face he makes when Tech is about to lose, during credit card roulette (even for a $40 tab) or when he bought me my car.
• Preparing for Multiples- 12 hour course
• Ha ha, aka shit is about to hit the fan.  Not because you are having twins/triplets and one is generally much cuter than the other, but because your MIL will be living with you for two months to "help" you, your wife's nips will fall off from trying to feed 3/4 mouths (we aren't dogs, we only have 2), and you're about to become very, very poor.  It says in the class description,  "baby care to better equip you for the exciting challenges that lie ahead".  Oh. Joy.
• Learn Labor in a Day
• 6 hour class, 1hour lunch break, wham, bam, thank you beotch. We'll take it.

So the decision was easy; we sign up.  Jon grimaces as he throws down the debit card to pay a whopping $85.  I think he gets a gray hair every time we pay for something that he wasn't planning on paying for.  Like, he gets up every morning and decides right then what he is going to purchase that day.  It's so odd.  I guess I do the same thing...

'hmm, wonder what Home Goods has got going on today?...wonder if H&M is crowded...it is Tuesday? Did Zara get in a new shipment?...Can I still fit into anything at JCrew?...I feel fug today, I think I need new sunglasses'....all thoughts I have in the am after the 'what should I have for breakfast' thought. 

Anyway, where was I...oh right, we signed up and I read the class instructions...arrive 15 minutes early, bring a snack, bring a blanket and 2 pillows, bring something to take notes on....whoa, whoa, whoa, rewind....a blanket and 2 pillows?  Uh, are you serious Presby Dallas?  What the hell do we need that for?  Are we supposed to show the class how little Sloane was made?  If so, we need to get creative--Hutch/Diaz, got any cool ones for us?  I am super confused and super anxious now. 

Jon and I are typically "cool" people, but we tend to have awkward social experiences with people we don't know, AND we have (Jon especially) extreme tings/3rd party embarrassment.  Like, Jon covers his eyes as we watch the Bachelor or when someone is really bad at DWTS.  --when we watched the Miss Universe pageant the other night Miss China was asked a question....just her answering in Chinese was enough for Jon to leave the room shouting "NO NO Sara turn! NO! Oh my gosh Oh my gosh".  He is a total freak--What is it going to be like in the class?!?  Are they going to ask us about our birth plan?  Will Jon get mad when I tell them mine?

• Check in to our Suite at the hospital around noon on the 20th (I'm due the 22nd) after receiving a blowout at Osgood or DryBar (although, I prefer Osgood, Drybar has some ninjas--for those of you who don't what ninjas are--they are the girls that end up on your bid day bus that you have no idea how they got there)
• Have a nice lunch of ice chips after getting my epidural.
• Push Push Push- she came. (haha--have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall?)
• I lose 20 lbs immediately.
• They give Sloane a bath and she is healthy and sans unibrow.
• My friends arrive with Champagne for me & "My First Weitzman's" or the Gucci Baby Bon Ton Ballarina flats for Sloane.
• My makeup girl gets there--we will do the "natural" look so I don't out shine Sloane.
• We take pictures, Sloane sleeps, I sleep, I finally get to use my Missoni Bugaboo (not from Target!) and we all make it home in time for Christmas Eve.

OK. We are screwed. 

Not to mention, Jon is a front of the class, raise his hand, take notes kind of guy and I am a back of the class, please don't call on me, pass notes kind of girl.  ---when we took a summer school Government class at Richland in college it was terrible.  We didn't sit together (see previous statement) and Jon didn't want to be in my group because he wanted to be with the "smart people".  Can I just say, at Richland there aren't many smart people.  I was offended.  I digress.--- So here we are, all signed up and all freaked out.  I hope they don't ask us to practice kegels or pushing.  Don't they know that pregnant people have excess gas?  That room could get noisy, and Jon could get awk....